Disappointed

‘Why do you walk around looking disappointed all the time?’ That was the question my husband asked me that totally took me off guard. I didn’t think I was walking around ‘looking’ disappointed. However me being the way I am, I started to analyze myself, really thinking of what I might be disappointed about.

As most of you know I have started a new job, it isn’t all that I thought it would be – yet I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God directed me there. So I don’t ‘think’ I am disappointed in my job. Things are just very different there, not as crazy busy as it was at my previous job. Working as patient services I had to constantly shake off the emotions that each person handed me so that I could assist the next patient. Some people were very friendly and courteous. Though there were also a few who were very anxious, cranky, or just plain mean (but they were in pain). It was a fast pace job, assisting many different aspects of a patients care. With that fast pace I had picked up some bad habits. I have some rough edges, if you will, that God is gently ‘sanding off.’ This is a good thing; with this new self-awareness I feel that I am becoming a better person. Yet I must say I miss interacting with the patients- I love people, and I don’t have as many cross my path as I did. So this might be one reason I ‘look’ disappointed.

I also have been involved in a ‘Live Out Loud’ (LOL) group that was formed at our church. There are many groups that you can choose from; the main point is to learn to do life together. The summer months are more activity driven, while the rest of the year is more of a study nature. All are great, and we really learn to be a part of each other’s lives. The group that I signed up for this summer is a running group. The leaders (husband & wife) are experienced in this new territory I have entered. They have done many 5-10k runs, marathons, and, I think, triathlons. This LOL group has been training for months to participate in a 5k run on September 29. I have been pushing myself with unrealistic expectations (to do my first 5k under 25 minutes). With this goal in mind, I have hurt myself to the point that I have had to slow my pace way down. Now I want to just get it done under 30 minutes, even if it is 29:59. So this might be another reason that I ‘look’ disappointed.

But I have realized that this distorted mentality might just be the root of all my disappointments. What distorted mentality you ask? The Wonder Woman mentality. I fill my schedule with too many things.  Or, I place the bar too high with irrational expectations for myself to achieve. This is something that I have done for years; making mental lists that are slightly off balanced, for a normal woman that is. For instance, one Saturday here recently, I got up made my coffee, and then went to pick up the front room. As I was folding the blanket that was used the night before to snuggle in, I started making my mental list; I had to reply to several emails, I wanted to get all my house work done, go grocery shopping, wash and wax the car, then go for a 20 mile bike ride (training). Yes, this all in one day.

Crazy don’t you think?

Well I got my house ‘somewhat’ cleaned. I washed my car, though didn’t wax it. I picked up a few groceries for a couple of days and my bike ride was only about 8 miles and I never got to those emails. At the end of my day I thought of it was wasted just because I did not accomplish ‘everything’ I had on my list. Of course ‘wonder woman’ made me feel like I wasted my day. I spent too much time with my husband, I enjoy a short conversation with my neighbor, and god forbid I relaxed for a moment and read a few pages of a book. With me putting unrealistic expectations on myself continually I have grown to be unappreciative of the things that I am able to achieve, thus giving me the ‘look’ of disappointment.

Well it’s been a few weeks since my husband had asked me that question. And I have learned to recognize when that ‘super-powered heroine’ was trying to step out of her comic book pages. When she does try to step out with her long ‘skinny’ legs I mentally slam the book shut. I have even learned to laugh at her irrational expectations. I rest assured that God still values me just the way I am. I then tell myself that I am doing the best that I can in all areas of my life.

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